But you are wise to invest the time to find out if your marriage can be improved. Truth be told, the effectiveness of marriage counseling is directly related to the motivation level of both partners and timing. Sometimes, the problems in a marriage can be too ingrained and longstanding for the counseling to be effective. Timing is an essential element in whether marriage counseling works. Unfortunately, most couples wait much too long to reach out for help repairing their marriage.
According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. Think about this statistic for a few minutes. Couples have six years to build up resentment before they begin the important work of learning to resolve differences in effective ways. For instance, Rachel and Jeff sat down on my sofa and began sharing their long-standing feud over how to manage finances and whether or not Rachel could return to college to obtain a degree in a education so she can change jobs.
Perhaps the first step to helping Rachel and Jeff work on improving their relationship is to encourage them to agree on defining the main problem in their marriage and for both of them to take responsibility for their own behavior — so that they can begin to communicate honestly, set some goals, and begin working on them.
However, they need to have realistic expectations since it can be a challenge to negotiate when both partners have busy careers and children. After all, every relationship has its ups and downs, and conflict goes with the territory. Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Divorce Remedy explains that avoiding conflict backfires in intimate relationships. Have you put in the work? Has your spouse? You should be seeing some growth and some kind of change.
Why do they keep going back to another lover instead of working on the steps to repair your marriage? Why are you allowing the behavior to continue? The faithful spouse, in turn, was willing to truly forgive them and move forward, as well, and they worked it out. But, a repeat affair shows lack of real change, lack of respect for you, and indifference toward your marriage.
If your spouse is struggling with addiction of any kind porn, sex, alcohol, drugs, etc. It has to be their choice. I want you to know that we have seen spouses recover and move forward to have a healthy and connected marriage after the addiction surfaces and comes into the light the first time, provided that the addicted spouse agrees to go through whatever treatment or program, agrees to continually meet with a counselor, mentor, or sponsor, and chooses to truly show up and do the work necessary to make and continue the change in their lives and in their marriage.
With continual relapses and spouses who refuse treatment to begin with, it is time to ask yourself five very hard questions:. How long can I continue to live this way before I personally snap? At this point am I helping my spouse heal from their addiction or enabling it? Is this a healthy and safe environment for my children or yourself, for that matter to be in? If your spouse is in a relapse or is refusing to get help, you can call the American Addiction Centers at or visit their Addiction Guide for Spouses and Partners.
Only you know how much you can take. Your spouse might be heading in a downward spiral of destructive behavior, but do not allow them to drag you down with them. What we allow to continue in our lives is what will continue. Please consider that. Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated. If you are being sexually, physically, mentally, or emotionally abused by your spouse, please call the domestic violence hotline number at SAFE If it is not possible or safe for you to call, then you can visit their website where you can also chat with a safe representative online.
Either way, they will be able to assess your situation and help you determine the next steps or send emergency professionals if required. Please get yourself and your children somewhere safe until you can work with a professional on what to do next. Abuse is a huge red flag of a greater issue going on inside your spouse. If your spouse is abusing you, then you both need help right now!
Everyone has a breaking point. Constant emotional laziness that has been addressed but nothing changed. Begging to go to counseling but your spouse refuses to go. Frequently investing in hobbies but not investing in the marriage. Sometimes, for some people, enough is enough. Forgiveness cannot be an idea, it has to be an action.
A healthy marriage never includes a partner living in un-forgiveness toward the mistake s of the other. The past cannot live happily in the future; it was never meant to. We are meant to learn and grow from our mistakes, but they are to have no power in our lives otherwise. At some point, you have to be able to compromise and get on the same page. That is not healthy and is most certainly not fair to either of you. I recommend watching our webcast The Proper Apology to help jump-start the conversation.
We do not believe that a separation is the step before divorce. During a separation, as the couple is living apart, we encourage weekly date nights that are purely fun, marriage counseling to work through the issues, daily emotional connection, and consistent self-awareness building for each person. You both have to own your part, apologize for what you can, forgive what you need to, and work toward your goals as a couple moving forward.
They still get to make that choice. They have chosen divorce as their next step, but they still get to determine how that looks for themselves, for their kids, and for their friends and family.
They can either both go to counseling and get to work on being the best individuals they can be right now, or they can allow the bitter broken pieces to be the thorns in their sides, causing unhappiness, discontentment, and pain for the rest of their lives.
There might not be hope left for your marriage, but there is hope left for you. Yes, you have some real and valid pain to work through in the coming weeks, days, months, and probably even years, but that pain is not forever. The most important truth is that it takes two healthy and committed individuals to make a marriage work.
If both people are committed and working to implement change, then we truly believe a marriage can come back from almost anything. However, it is also true that we teach people how to treat us and what we allow in our lives is what will continue. Individual counseling may be appropriate in this case and can help both partners manage the loss and move on with their lives.
In cases of ongoing domestic violence, counseling will not be appropriate. Help is available for male and female victims of domestic violence, both physical and emotional. Individual counseling for both partners can also be effective. Except for these extreme cases, most couples can salvage their relationship and facilitate a healthier, more fulfilling relationship moving forward. The marriage has reached a tipping point.
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